Reflection

Today's post will be a relatively reflective one. 

I consider myself to be a rather impressionable person. I lack a strong opinion towards issues and unfortunately, more often that not, even towards my own decisions and choices that directly influence my well-being and my future. And it doesn't help that certain information are so scarce despite the increased accessibility of most information on the net as compared to the past, and also when certain feelings and emotions are known to you, and only you. 

In the first scenario, you may still tap on your social relationships. Be bold and ask people you know, people around you. "Stay hungry, stay foolish", thanks to this succinct yet impactful advice Steve Jobs has left behind. We tend to think too much and find it difficult to make the first step to initiate and find out more. Sometimes its worthwhile to be thick-skinned and you'll realize that people are actually keen to help and share. 

Credits to Neal Campbell

In the second, however, you are more or less really left alone. You may confide in all of your close family and friends and most of them would have or have heard of similar encounters and have stories to share. But at the end of the day, the pertinent questions which only you can answer remain. How do you feel? Do you feel happy? Do you feel loved? Do you think everything will be worthwhile? Do you see a future ahead? Sometimes, it appears to be pragmatic yet ridiculous to ponder about the future. There are so many uncertainties in life and don't we often simply make sure that we are not making the definite wrong choice, but leave to fate to see how our decisions will turn out?

Credits to Nando

And if you are unsure of your answers to the questions, will how you feel when he is no longer yours indicate how you should have decided? But that would be very selfish. In what position and with what right do you have to manipulate the relationship and decide whether to be with him or not. Your fickleness and indecisiveness may be revolting to him, even to yourself. Perhaps if he were a jerk, things would be so much easier and the pain would not be as bad as now when it seems that even death would be less painful. Everything you do reminds yourself of him. When you log onto Facebook, friends' check-in into food places familiar to both of you makes your heart ache. When you browse Burpple, photos of brunches makes you recall of his compromise and effort to bring you for this "girl's thing" which you enjoy much more than him. When you look around your room, the gifts he bought for you during different occasions remind you of his surprises. And he would be on your mind every second, never so much before even when you are together. And you will be badly astonished by how much tears your eyes can actually produce, continuously and involuntarily.

And you wonder how and when all these will be over. Because it just hurts so much that you would be falling apart. There's no motivation to be awake and do anything at all. The thought of going out, going overseas, studying hard, applying for jobs holds no meaning anymore. This can't go on, because it will hurt your family who will be seeing this despondent side of you. You need to be strong. You need to trudge on.

Please give me the strength, whoever you are.